coming to terms with reality

not quite sure what i want from this life anymore
i just want to feel those pure emotions
so sick of layer upon layer of negativity and doubt and complexity
im not quite sure whether i will live the life i want
im not even sure what it is that i want
i can make up visions and possible dreams,
but i dont know how much joy i get out of them
because im trying so hard to gain joy from what seems mundane intially

thats the thing with mindfulness and presence.
you lose sense of ambition and wanting to go elsewhere,
completely content with where you are

my feet arent quite stable on the ground
and my intentions might not always be wise
and many many days i feel lost
and worried that im not thinking about the future more
that my goals arent clear cut

following instinct is hard
when things take time
that leaves time to rethink about the process
whether any of this is worth it

but the truth is
none of this is really real
your 'accomplishments' will fade with time
and oblivion is inevitable they say

but whats left is the feelings you felt
the people you were able to meet
the miniscule impact you mightve left on the world
the things you saw through experimentation
realizing that none of this matters
and all of it does