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Showing posts from July, 2019

its like

i have voices inside my head but then i have a consciousness over that voice inside my head that tells me that these are just voices inside my head. its tiring

never mind

Gravity feels just same old same old Waking up sometimes feels a dream a cycle of thoughts a distant buzz in the background soon drowns you out the puzzling nature of the mind no one understands it all no matter how much we try to categorize it to put into little boxes to tie those boxes together to warp them together the mind has a mind of its own so many do a good job to reveal aspects of it aspects that resonate with others but we never see the same side of the sphere only the parts where perceptions overlap do we really connect with one another

visions

I have these visions that I put out into the universe. 'I have so many things I want to do, but I just don't have the time to do it.' The constant, habitual cycle of putting a vision out there and not following it. Letting the culture, the 'flow of life', the passive interactions, the instantaneous pleasures get in the way of those visions. But many of the things I say I want to do, I don't seek those to gain surface-level satisfactions. At least for the most important core-value ones. For these true, genuine goals, I don't say I want to achieve these things for the recognition of the label. I speak out of a genuine curiosity, a want to see what that experience is like. To want to know how it feels. To be able to explore the world and its connections. To gain understanding for my own clarity and for others. To gain some sense of harmony from this clarity-- a constant cycle of acting out of love, for eachother and from eachother. To test the limits of

Selfishness

Ah, another demon inside me. A quite rather complicated one. The social trend of 'self-care' focuses on self and putting yourself first. People, especially young people, are so affected by the opinions and values of people around them that they lose touch of their authentic self--what makes that individual unique, what they want to change in the world, what they truly want from this journey of life. There is a certain magical quality in looking within yourself what you sought to find in others' validation or external circumstances. It's learning to face that uncertainty, learning that it's okay, and digging deeper to find those core values that you've always had. But with this comes the risk of misinterpreting this quest for individualism and independence. It's the path towards selfishness and habituation of self-serving actions that often makes our journey come to a dead end. And I definitely have approached this dead end many times. Because when I use

Indecisiveness and Prioritization

When I reflect on my life, I think of how little I take responsibility for my own actions. And not just my past actions but also how this affects how I live my life now. I think not being able to take responsibility is one of the main sources of my indecisive nature. I always feel that if I make one decision, I will be missing the opportunity for another. So I always turn to external sources to shape my decision for me. Don't get me wrong, researching and listening to others' experiences for inspiration is important. But when this becomes a source of dependency and habitual reliance, a requirement for decision making, then its a problem. Coming to terms with this feels very difficult and conflicting for me. I'd like to think I base my judgment off of my own true values and beliefs. But I've come to realize that not accepting and acknowledging my emotional immaturity in this area is not effective for my growth. Thinking of the more deeper root as to why I rely on t

not always too positive

The world is moving so fast, i cant keep up  Im not sure what to do anymore  Life gets so overwhelming sometimes  I often feel like i am suffocating. I cannot breathe  Always being watched  Constantly something i have to do  Trying to pull it together but often falls apart  Where do we go from here  What truth am i supposed to see  So so so lost  And afraid to admit it  Shame on top of shame piling up on each other  The guilt of a bad day  With only myself to monitor  Hoping for better days  But hoping that i stop hoping for better days  apparently i'm not supposed to feel this way always the victim but at the same time i should follow my instincts the burden of choice i guess this is the "strength" of a mind the weak and confused are left behind Certainty conquers the material world Being intimidated by the calmness of others Mind in frantic hurry  A search for something that’s supposed to exist within me  Back to