on empathy & kindness

 i've learnt so much about empathy and kindness and love these past few months 

i always expected another person to show love for me, 

before i can give it to them. 

and if they did show love from the start, i always thought there wasnt a reason to. that they were just desperate, or being crazy, irrational. 

but if we all think like that, no one will ever take a step forward 

(luckily not everyone is like this, and we can heal eachother)

i ran away from people that showed me love

but i also never gave people that love either 

we should be kind to people, as they are 

without expecting reward or praise or something back from them. 

if they are willing to accept that, then good

if not, then such energies should be attributed elsewhere (you can't pour tea into a close pot)

if they return that love, we should accept it and not question it (when someone opens the door for us, do we question why they're doing it? no)

no matter how bad his bad habits may have been, the exchange between 

the two of us was never ill-intended. 

it was always respecting each other and our space & i think thats why i continued it.

it was when i started to expect the other to care, (while in the meantime i was just taking and taking), thats when things started to become chaotic. 

this kind of stuff should never be expected from another person. 

if it happens, it happens.

i never fully really thought about the other person 

always thinking in reference to myself;

when they were being vulnerable, i thought it was because they were trying to fool me 

when they were being open, i always thought it was forced because i liked that openness 

when i gave them a shoulder to cry on, it was so that they would do the same for me

when i felt myself caring a little, i thought of the ways it would hurt my ego or my dignity and how i should stop. 

i never really let them be 

i never allowed them to just ... be 

and to be kind to them, to be understanding 

and to really listen, i wasnt receiving.. ever

maybe i was the brick wall all along, instead of them 

maybe my judgment was just a reflection of who i am

i want to be good at giving unconditional love to people 

not trying to change them 

& understand that we are just humans 

that all we need is just a helping hand sometimes 

and that we feel, and that we need each other 

for no reason but just for a companion 

he wasn't ever hurting me 

i was hurting myself by not allowing myself to feel 

because i was scared 

i acted out of fear 

fear that i would get too invested

that the other wouldn't reciprocate

i think in the end, as long as the other person isn't disrespecting you 

then there should be no reason for that fear 

ofcourse, you might look stupid or foolish or desperate or needy 

but once you throw out your ego, all that fear disappears