Discomfort/Resistance and the past

Looking back on all that I've done, I realise the amount of things that I didnt do because of fear and discomfort. I have a tendency to stay in my comfort zone because its safe and in this place I would face no humiliation or ‘conflict against my character’. I realized, with opportunities that I’ve been given, how much I have turned it down because ‘it wasn’t me’ or because I had never done it before.

This is a result of me completely relying on my past to decide my present actions. Recently I’ve realized that this is all backwards. Why was me not doing something in the past a legitimate reason for me not trying it now? If I always faced problems in this way I will NEVER grow. Because the only way I will grow is through discomfort. I had been completely relying on my circumstances to dictate how much growth will occur in my life, relying on other people’s opinion or what they think I should for how I should act (ALL THE TIME)

This type of dependency was rooted in my insecurity of not being able to bring enough to the table. Of things not turning out how I imagine it in my head. Of being ridiculed by the people I ‘report’ my progress to or people that had viewed me as a character I felt comfortable displaying to other people. 

It was also rooted in my habit of constantly looking at the past to assess my abilities. In class, I would use my lack of Japanese education in the past as an excuse of not being able to understand a class in Japanese. I would use my past inadequacy as an athlete as an excuse to not start something sports-related. My lack of connection as an excuse to network. This is all so ironic. Why was I using my LACK of ability to do something as an excuse to avoid learning that very skill?

Obviously I was afraid of newness, of creating my own future, constantly blaming my past, excusing myself for my inadequacy.

But I’ve come to realize that making decisions like that has absolutely no benefit. Even if you justify it as a ‘realistic’ assessment, your so called ‘realistic’ insight is limiting the very thing you are trying to do. Because that judgment of ‘realistic’ is based on your past abilities and not your current potential or enthusiasm. 

And ofcourse, I still do say no to things I should be going out there and doing (even using present tense in this case is limiting my capabilities obvs lol). I still have a lot on my bucket list. But I aim to (I WILL) be in a mindset where I choose discomfort as a positive sign of growth, and to let CHANGE and ASPIRATION dictate my actions/ability and not what I characterize myself to be from my past achievements/failures. 

Before I used to be so bothered by somebody telling me 'thats so not you' when I would do something different. It bothered me SO much, because I didnt want their opinion of me to change in to something that I hadn't put out there in the past. But now I DONT WANT TO CARE. I would rather be identified as an adaptive person in constant flux instead of a static person with a definitive character. 

Your ability does not depend on your circumstance. It is indefinitely determined by your vision of your future and how you incorporate that in your present. This is where change begins.  

“Live from your future.”